Life Lately: Overwhelmed
|March 25, 2014||Posted by Lauren under LifeontheRun|
I’ve started and re-started this post about a half a dozen times. It’s pretty obvious that I haven’t been blogging as much lately, and whenever I get out of the routine it’s hard to find the words to start. I wonder if I even have anything interesting or useful to say these days.
But I suppose not every post needs to be earth-shattering…or even have a real point. So let’s just jump right in.
If there’s one word to describe how I’ve been lately, it’s: OVERWHELMED. Humbled by this transition, feeling like I’m treading water without really moving forward. Don’t get me wrong — things aren’t bad and I’m not unhappy. In fact, in many ways my life is fuller than ever. But I still find myself struggling to adapt to this new normal, to figure out a routine and find myself again somewhere in the midst of all this change.
People have told me many times that they appreciate the “real-ness” of my blog. I sort of wonder if that’s just a nice way of saying that I sound negative a lot of the time. I really hope that’s not the case, but this past year has been a crazy one. And pregnant + new mom life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. There’s a lot of really wonderful, really amazing parts too. But most of the time I feel like I’m just making things up as I go.
So with that said, here’s how things stand around these parts:
As you know, I returned to work last week (thank you all so much for your advice and words of encouragement!). To say it kicked my butt would be an understatement. The long commute (70+ minutes each way), the transition to daycare, figuring out how to use my brain again, learning which outfits are easy to pump/nurse in and which are a big, fat fail (like the dress I wore yesterday…lesson learned)…it’s all a bit overwhelming. And I only had to go into the office 3 days last week. Plus I got to visit Amelia during the day. In terms of a transition, I think I probably had it pretty easy.
Does this angle make me look fat?
And yet I still find myself struggling. I knew how to be “working Lauren” and I finally felt like I was starting to figure out “mom Lauren,” but this “working mom” thing is a whole different animal. It’s thrown me for a loop and I’m not quite sure how to balance it all…let alone continue to cook healthy meals, take care of the dog (poor pup has not been walked nearly enough), and RUN (more on that later).
It’s not even that I need more hours in my day. It’s just somehow learning to be more efficient with the hours I do have. I’m trying to give myself some grace, but the perfectionist in me wants to have it all figured out already. Doesn’t matter that this is completely unrealistic. It’s only been a week…obviously there’s going to be some growing pains along the way. But I find myself missing some aspects of my old life. Not necessarily that life itself, but just the ease with which I used to be able to balance things. Why did I always think I was so busy? What did I used to do with my time? And how the heck do people do this with multiple children?? I’m struggling to manage with just one.
On the positive side, Amelia is adjusting (sort of…she cries whenever I leave but at least she’s able to settle down quickly), the daycare has been great about using cloth diapers (win) and I’m still able to pump/nurse during the day (major win!), so I’m focusing on those little victories for now and hoping everything else will fall into place eventually.
Has taken a backseat. You don’t need to hear my excuses, since that’s pretty much all they are. But for someone who was so excited to get back into training again, I’m a bit ashamed to admit that there hasn’t been much of it lately.
I had some pretty awesome runs while we were in Florida a couple of weeks ago. Nothing like warm weather and flat terrain to help you find extra motivation to get out the door. I even managed a short, speedy run where I got my pace down to numbers I haven’t seen in forever. I finally felt like myself again. I was back!
First stroller run. An easy, flat 2-mile jog
And then I hurt my heel and took two big steps backwards. To be fair, I felt some pain coming on during that last run in Florida, but it loosened up as I was running and, you know, it was my LAST CHANCE for a warm run so I kept going. When it comes to running injuries, I’m pretty skilled at self-delusion. Unfortunately after that run it hurt to put any pressure on my heel. And since I couldn’t really rest and stay off it for the remainder of the day, it only got worse.
So I took a week completely off running and even scaled back with the walks, since that seemed to irritate it as well. The few times I have run since have just been okay. Maybe it’s the never-ending cold, maybe it’s the exhaustion from being back at work, or you know — the fact that my body has been to hell and back in the past year (okay, maybe a bit dramatic but you get the point), but my motivation is just lagging lately.
It wouldn’t matter so much if I didn’t have a little race on my calendar in a few weeks. I am completely undertrained for this thing, but I’m going for it anyway. Call me stupid if you like, but I’ve already been planning on running a PW and if I have to walk a bunch, so be it. At this point, adding another DNS to the list feels worse than DNRTWR (oh you don’t know that acronym? It stands for “did not run the whole race”…obviously).
Is growing like a weed. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen the baby spam. And yeah, I know it’s a lot. But I just can’t help myself. I find it so amazing that this little girl seems to be changing before my eyes. I know not everyone cares about babies or parenthood. And I also realize that most people don’t need to know how many hours Amelia slept last night, how often she eats, how much she weighs now, or even the fact that she laughed for the first time last weekend(!!). But it’s a huge part of my life now and I’m trying to figure out how to fit all that in with the girl who used to be all about running and would only spam people with pictures of her dog. The blog will never go back to the way that it was, but I do hope there’s a little more running and a few less excuses in the future.
Anyway, since I’m now three months out, I really want to pull together another recovery update. Not necessarily because I’m back to my old self and running at my old speeds (far from it!), but because 3 months seems like a pretty significant milestone in both babyhood and recovery. As long as I’m able to get to it sometime within the next month…