When Life Hands you Asphalt…

(Source)

Have you ever had one of those moments when life throws a huge reality check your way that forces you to re-examine things? Yeah, me too…all the time.  My latest  came last Sunday on what should have been a long run – my second to last long run before my marathon. One minute I was going along fine and the next…there I was sprawled out on the pavement, face to face with some dirty concrete.

Ok, so that’s not completely true. Things hadn’t exactly been going along “fine” up until that point. In fact, I had been feeling pretty sick even before I started running. Add to that my skipping of a long run or two lately, and it should be pretty clear that I wasn’t in the best condition. But in my stupidity stubbornness, I headed out anyway…knowing that if I didn’t get this run in, I could pretty much forget about being at least semi-ready for this marathon in a few weeks.

A couple of miles in, I began to feel light-headed. I was starting off the run with a 10-mile loop and my plan was to at least make it through that (I could do 10 miles easy…right?). I figured it was all in my head – the effects of not running long in a little while and the mental game that has come after my last major bonk. I thought if I could just get over that mental hurdle, everything would be okay. And it was in the midst of all this thinking that I caught my foot on the edge of a curb and went flying (have you ever fallen while running? The forward momentum you get is crazy!!). Guess I forgot to “think” about picking my feet up.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m pretty stubborn. While this has gotten me in trouble more times than I’d like to admit, it also means that when I have my mind set on something, you better believe I’m going to do it. I also like to think I’m pretty tough, and capable of putting up with a few bumps and scrapes. So after this fall, I’d like to tell all of you that I was brave, and that this little “incident” only served to make me stronger. I’d like to say that I was as tough as my friend Nikki, who once fell and broke her finger on a run – yet got right up and finished the entire thing. I’d like to tell you all of that…but I can’t. Instead, I have to admit that Sunday, this fall was my unraveling. I sat up, hugged my knees to my chest, and burst into tears with cars whizzing by (and no, no one stopped).

All the frustration with myself for having skipped runs and failing so miserably on this one and others came pouring out onto that cement block. I sat there and I cried and probably made a complete and utter fool of myself. You see, I’m also a person who likes to be in control of things. And lately, there’s been a lot of stuff going on that has made me feel out of control. Some of these are positive, some not so much.  The truth is, I’ve actually been getting sick on all of my long runs lately. I mentioned the time I almost didn’t finish my run a couple weeks ago, but two weeks before that, I had a pretty miserable 20-miler. This sick feeling before and/or after long runs has seemed to be a repeat occurrence during my training this spring and I don’t know why. I’m not doing anything differently than I have in the past and it’s frustrating not to know what I’m doing wrong. Add to that a bunch of job-related stress that I’ve had lately and all the sleep I’ve lost over it, and I guess you get a recipe for disaster.

After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was probably only a minute or two), I got enough clarity of mind to get out my cell phone to call the boyfriend. {This is why it’s important to always bring your cell phone on long runs!!}. Thankfully, EC was home and as soon as he heard my tearful voice, he jumped in the car to come pick me up.

All things considered, I walked away from this fall with relatively light injuries.  No sprained ankles, no cracks in my head.  I just have a lot of cuts and bruises — my hands and knees are pretty badly cut up, I have a huge bump on my right knee and I somehow jammed a finger, causing one of my knuckles to swell up and making it impossible to fully open my right hand (and difficult to do much of anything else with it – even type).

The biggest injury I suffered was actually in my confidence. This had been sorely damaged, and I spent the night and the better part of yesterday debating what the heck I was going to do about this stupid marathon I was training for.

While my bull-headed inclination is to just keep going for it and run the dumb thing even if I’m not going to be completely ready, my logical side knows that’s pretty stupid….and a great way to risk getting injured. The other option is to drop down to the half-marathon. The event organizers allow you to switch the event that you are running up to 10 days before the race.  So in theory, the switch would be easy.  I just hate the feeling of giving up on something.

In the midst of all my anxiety over this, I did what any smart girl would do: emailed my Mother. And sure enough, she had all the right things to say to help me see things clearly again (which I thought I’d share):

Hi Lauren,

So switch your event, no big loss…there will always be other marathons and if you haven’t been able to put in the time why get injured trying? You do not need the extra stress of doing something you aren’t prepared for. Stop looking at this as a failure but as an opportunity to do another event better and not put yourself into a tizzie trying to do something that you don’t feel up to doing. Life is way too short for adding worry on top of all your other worries just for the sake of it. Marathoning is NOT a job, nor an obligation of any sort. Sort your priorities, make your decision and be happy with it! Don’t call yourself a failure until you are living in a box someplace in the woods!

She is right, of course (nothing can replace a mother’s wisdom!). Sometimes I get so caught up in my own self-competitiveness and high standards that I lose sight of the bigger picture. I am not running this race for anyone or anything but myself, and ultimately if it’s doing more harm to me (physically, mentally, emotionally…whatever) than good, it’s time to re-evaluate.

Anyway, that’s where I am at the moment.  I realize this is a long-winded post, but I guess the point of all my rambling is that it can often be easy to get caught up in feeling like a failure if we don’t quite reach the goal(s) we have set for ourselves. But the truth is, though it can be embarrassing and demoralizing to set a goal and then fail to achieve it, things happen.  I am not less of a person because I end up running a 1/2 marathon instead of the full.  And in fact, I’ve never actually run a half before so being able to race my first one will be an accomplishment in and of itself.  What’s more important than the race I run is that I pick myself up after a disappointment and set a new goal…sometimes with the help of others (thanks EC, Mom, and Roomie ). Keeping up that forward momentum is what it’s all about.

As far as the light-headedness and sickness goes, however…I have to admit I’m at a loss. That’s something that I’ve still got to figure out (and no Dad, I’m not dehydrated! ).